I write this from bed at 5:04 AM. Blake just left for a snow camping trip (yes, he is voluntarily CAMPING ON SNOW), and I decided that I must collect my thoughts now, while they are fresh.

Loving someone who feels most alive when he is risking his life is not something I was prepared for. It is a unique experience, but I have a feeling I am not alone. I share my experience in hopes that some one feels a little less alone and perhaps benefits from what I’ve learned.

I remember when Blake and I first got engaged, I came to the unsettling realization that I had found something outside of myself that I loved as much as, if not more than myself. While love and partnership came with a newfound safety, I could not escape the vulnerability of knowing that there was someone outside of my body who, if I were to lose him, part of me would die. It was the first time I had something to lose. I am a naturally selfish person. That is not a self-deprecating statement; it’s just the truth. I survived a big family, a competitive academic environment, and a few cut-throat careers as a single woman by putting a lot of focus on myself and my survival. Despite my natural tendencies toward self-preservation, I came to this unsettling realization a bit sooner than I might have, because Blake’s commitment to chasing adrenaline put him at constant risk. I was all too aware of how close death was for the person I had grown to love so much.

A second, closely-following realization was that asking Blake to refrain from the countless dangerous activities he loves so much was out of the question. I absolutely could not keep him safe by stifling him and keeping him close to me. I knew that he wouldn’t be the man I fell in love with if he stopped doing the things he loves. I had to come to terms with the fact that he may die doing the things he loves, but I’d rather that happen than ask him to live a life of quiet desperation.

I vividly remember sitting at the big kitchen table in Blake’s farmhouse in Latah, Washington as he’d passionately recount his latest ski adventure (like a little kid, pacing the entire length of the room, not breathing, talking a mile a minute about the “sick line” he hit). I remember physically listening calmly but internally combusting. Outwardly and consciously I was interested, but everything inside me wished he’d “SHUT UP.” I regularly would completely miss chunks of his stories as I dissociated and left my body. At first, I thought this was yet another example of my selfishness, but after more reflection, I realized that it wasn’t a need for attention or a lack of desire to give him the attention he deserved. Rather, it was a reaction to the fact that the topics he was so excited about caused me to confront my fear of losing him. The stories of adventures that were exciting to him, as he pictured success and felt a rush of adrenaline, were terrifying and painful for me, as I pondered how close I came to losing him on each trip.

A little over three years later, things are quite different. I’ve learned a lot about skiing, touring, the back country, avalanche safety, snow camping, surfing, motocross, super cross, vintage motorcycles, skate boards, and boats. Our relationship has matured a bit, I’ve matured a bit, and I find joy in empowering Blake to succeed in his many hobbies and in hearing all about the many details of each adventure.

There are a lot of things I learned and changed in order to get here, and there are a lot of things I still have to learn and change. In today’s blog, I’m covering the first and toughest one:

A shift in Perspective: Adjusting my Expectations for Blake and how I Relate to him.

I no longer view Blake as merely MY HUSBAND-a possession, someone who owes me all of his time and attention and resources. Instead, I have come to relate to him as a wild, honored guest, and I have the unique pleasure of hosting him when he touches down to earth. I no longer wish he was like my girlfriends’ husbands who play golf, go on cute dates on the weekends, accompany them on trips to the grocery store, and make it to every family function, because I fell in love with a wild, feral Blake. What makes him so wonderful and wild are these things that he loves.

A big part of making my peace with this has been letting go of my ego, my western mindset, and my belief that his life should revolve around me. I had to shed the idea that I should be part of the banner moments in his life, because I never will be. The moments that light me up and that I look forward to are the mundane ones-the dinners at home, the evening walks, the long drives holding hands over the center console. In contrast, the moments that light Blake up are not with me. They are the moments right before sends it (whether it be the start of a race or catching a wave or skiing a first descent).

This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love and value me. As much as he knows how to exist in the mundane, he chooses to rest there with me. He needs the steady, the boring, the safe to balance out the rest of his life, and I am proud to be an asset to him in that way.

All of this is what is most beautiful about him. This is what makes him such a wonderful partner. His ability to function in the face of adversity is unparalleled. The way his brain works, the elevated level at which he functions daily with little downtime, and the fact that he is able to make very detailed, reasoned decisions very quickly make me feel so lucky to know him and support him. Nothing throws him off; nothing I’ve ever said or thought has scared him. His ability to love is so big. He has the unique ability to see my imperfection, love it, and make me feel safe, all while demanding greatness. I think it is because of the training he’s gone through, because of his regular exposure to high intensity situations. I love those things, and I’m so honored to get to host Blake’s earth-bound life.

Marriage is so much better and bigger and wilder and harder than I expected. It’s not what movies showed me. It’s not what my parents showed me. Loving someone like Blake is such a wild experience. The best way I can put it is to say that Blake is this wild soul that I cannot control, but I look forward to hosting him from time to time.

Does this resonate with any of you fellow lovers of wild souls? I’d love to hear your thoughts! And stay tuned for Part 2 of how I love my adrenaline junkie!

xoxo Your Favorite Late Bloomer